Jelly Mouth

So it sounds easy doesn't it? Get a script, stand in front of a mic, headset on, read.

Yep, that's what I thought. Once you start working you discover ...not so much.

Preparation is the key to all things, I like to start with a 10 mile jog, a raw egg (squeezed from the hen because it's so early they are still sleeping), punching the air and running up and down the back door step. Actually I don't because I'm usually a little bit grumpy. On the morning of a job coffee is banned, milk is banned, dairy products are banned. Water is an absolute necessity! The more the better starting at least twelve hours before. I'm making the elixir of life a habit now but the waking up in the night from the dream of the golden toilet, just before I sit on it, is also becoming a habit!

I'm lucky to be working most days and a lot of my jobs are away from my cosy home studio and require a 1.5 hour car journey. ... remaining hydrated, as I said, is an absolute must so, the question is, how am I going to get to Glasgow without having to stop at the pinnacle of Scotland's heritage - Stirling Services? Sometimes my timing is good, most of the gulping before I leave then an expulsion before I get in car and make it all the way without dancing in my seat.

Great, a studio in the centre of a city will provide me with a cafe where I can go in pretend I'm looking for my friend and then sneak to their toilet. Why don't you just use the toilet at the studio you silly cow? Well it's obvious isn't it? I don't want the gorgeous, young enough to be my son engineer to know I wee....and worse! I don't want him laughing uproariously at this ancient crone who can't get in a car for ten minutes without hollering to herself 'Am I nearly there yet?'

So all's well . ....and then you discover to your horror now you've done a wee, you're totally dehydrated but really there is more to that feeling than just the water. Usually the scary director who has come to demonstrate to the awestruck client their power over this sad, penniless actor! When you meet him/her suddenly you've got dry jelly in your mouth - nice. The way to rid yourself of the jelly is to picture the director having a big poo with no clothes on ( that's what my mum said) when you've stopped laughing and the director gives you the evils and says 'ok, can we get on? let's get this done in fifteen?? In and out thank you take it away! action!' Jelly mouth gone.

There is a good reason for all this hydration angst. I heard a horror story recently about a woman who arrived for a job with said jelly mouth. She did the work, got paid for it, told everyone she had this great nationwide, possibly world-wide, possibly never-ending, possibly make her very, very famous advert (a bit like Goooooo Compaaaaaare!) coming on the telly.

The time and day the ad was coming out was announced on Facebook and Twitter, impressing all her friends and family with her artistic ability. The Linkedin community was holding its breath. The night the advert was due for the first airing at 6pm...all waiting with bated breath......and someone else is doing the ad. Easily blustered through, just pretend you have amazing acting skills and they wanted that type of character. Not when you're a gentle, middle-aged, calm voiced lady and your replacement sans jelly mouth is a big fog horn bloke bellowing with the voice of God 'Buuuuuuuy this Looooooooooo Roooooooooooolll!!'

So thought for the day. Whoever you are, whatever you do for a living, drink water and imagine your boss doing a poo with no clothes on. If you're a nasty boss then I'm sorry to tell you everyone is fantasizing about you...and not in a good way!