A Dark Night
My new garden studio ‘The Bothy’ has been great, the nice evenings, sun still shining, dog pottering about the garden.
My main worry has been The Lawnmower Man next door coming out when I’m busy.That issue has been solved over the last couple of weeks as the dark, chilly evenings have come upon us.
So along comes a scary book for me to narrate.
Ooh, good I like scary books especially at this time of year. Even better it’s a nice Gothic one, ooh look set in a remote area of Scotland! Oh great, love this, it involves a prowler who must live somewhere close by because strange things keep happening in the house or maybe it’s a ghost…
Best get started then, there’s no one home so I won’t be bothered. Down to the Bothy we go…lalalalala
Chapter 1 – The wind was howling…….
BUMP!
What was that?! Oh for God’s sake! It was nothing…the wind blowing something over outside!
Start again.
The wind was howling…..
BUMP!
Paaaaaause…….listen....Ok best go outside and check if there’s someone at the door…..
Why am I creeping to the door? No one at the door. Better just look outside and check if there someone at the house. Suddenly realise that in the dark, from the door of The Bothy, my house looks like the view from the Bates Motel in Psycho to the house where Anthony Perkins lives with his dead mother.
Ha….ha – that’s funny. Back in the booth.
Suddenly realise that the booth is about the same size as the shower in the bathroom at Bates Motel…. aaaaa..that’s quite funny too. Luckily, I have my clothes on and my shoes, running won’t be a problem……. Why did I think that?
Ok I’ll just lock the door of the Bothy from the inside.
That ridiculous. I’ll lock the door to the house instead.
Ok, I’ll go up. Hang on.
The security lights on. Why would the security light come on?
I’ll just go up and see if someone’s come home, if so, there will be a car in the drive. Just a minute this is ridiculous, why wouldn’t I just go into the house?
Time for a jolly good talking to:
Now listen, if you’re planning on working out here in the dark through the winter, you’ll have to get a grip! There is nobody at the house, nobody here except you, so get on with your work - so there.
Back to the booth.
She looked at him with hooded eyes, a flicker of darkness as she breathed ‘Try my uisge’
Oh bloody hell… Gaelic word…how do you pronounce that again?
Better check on the ‘I pronounce Gaelic’ website, it’s usually quite good, ok here it is, press play.
Long pause…it’s not working…come on…sigh, try another site, suddenly disembodied bellow in headphones
UISGUE!!!
Oh my actual efffin’ GOD!!!!..... Owwww.
Jesus! Calm down!
Bang on the door
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Ange! You in there? Bloody hell it’s dark out here! What are you screaming for? …Are you acting…you’re good!
Oh no!….Is that really my buddy out there? Or has she been killed and the murderer is impersonating her voice and when I open the door she going to fall through it, a bloody battered pulp and I’m going to be next??
I’ll risk it….Drag her inside..
Did you go into the house?
Yes there's no one in…
Thanks be to God! I cross myself.
She turns looks from the Bothy to the house.
Oh my God! This is like the view from Bates Motel in Psycho to the house where Anthony Perkins lives with his dead mother! Lock that door behind you. This shed gives me the Heebies! I’d get your gear back into the house until the spring!
It’s not a bloody shed!!! It's my Bothy
Oh shut up you snooty cow!