Is There a Doctor in the House?
Last week I went to the doctor because I was having a wee vocal problem.
This problem was making me sound like a drum and had gone on for six months. The free NHS doctor shook his head sadly.
FREE NHS GP: There’s a hole in your septum. Do you have a cocaine issue..?
POOR ME: Could it be caused by anything else?
FREE NHS GP: Well yes – lots of things.
POOR ME: It’s one of the other things.
Free NHS GP: So it’s six months, possibly longer for an ENT specialist on the NHS.
POOR ME: WHAT??? What about my voice? It’s my career!
FREE NHS GP: Oh dear sorry about that – what a lovely job – would I have heard you?
POOR ME: Not anymore if you don’t get me up that waiting list!
FREE NHS GP: You could go private….. there a specialist in Dundee!
POOR ME: Private? Private? Private?
So off we go on a trek to Dundee, Pete and his moth chewed wallet. We’ve been reliably informed that this is going to cost the princely sum of £200. We arrive at the address supplied and there’s a big sign up outside that says FERTILITY CLINIC.
Aww we could just have one more…..Back in the car drive, around the corner and back round and down the same street and still outside the FERTILITY CLINIC – OH actually I think this is the place. It’s multi-medical. (I don’t think that’s a word).
In the waiting room among lots of very well-healed people, I’ve brought my scruffy jeans and my poncho which I pull down to cover my minging boots. I didn’t know you had to look private to go private.
I note the doctor’s very expensive handbag. She tells me to expect, a tube up my nostril down to my vocal cords to ‘have a little look’ …and they would be charging me an extra £250 for the privilege.
PRIVATE DOCTOR: Now your GP says this could be a septum problem – Cocaine addiction ever?
POOR ME: You’re the latest in a long line of people to enquire.
PRIVATE DOCTOR: Ok, this won’t be painful just a little uncomfortable. Here we go!
POOR ME: NO! Stop!! I don’t care what’s wrong anymore! Let me go! I’ll go to the fertility clinic and have another baby!!!!
PRIVATE DOCTOR: It’s not in yet.
POOR ME: …….
PRIVATE DOCTOR: In we go! Look, there are your vocal cords say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
POOR ME: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I don’t effing care about my vocal cords!! Get this monster down from up my nose you mad woman!!!!!
PRIVATE DOCTOR: Okaaay – that wasn’t so bad was it? The septum is fine – there’s a big hole but it looks like you were born with it. Congratulations you have Polyps! Now where’s my prescription pad? Just a minute, I’ll just go to reception and get it.
You know you’ve gone private when she doesn’t take her handbag with her.
PRIVATE DOCTOR: So I’m giving you steroids, a heavy dose. You’ll be an angry, anxious, hungry tearful insomniac but it’ll be worth it. ..and you have to pay for the drugs..a lot.
POOR ME: Pay? This is Scotland!
PRIVATE DOCTOR: Ah yes but look at this lovely embossed prescription paper.
Well let me tell you she was lying about those steroids! They are buzzin’
The moral of this story is, if you need a clear voice –don’t get fobbed with viruses, hayfever etc….for six months! Get on the list and get the steroids. Also you can stop explaining the length of time you were in the toilet and it was nothing to do with a ten pound note, tin foil, a box of matches and talcum powder on the lavvie seat.